So! Am I funny or what?
I'm going commercially insane. Yesterday I came home from work and logged on. There was a Spam in my E-mail. Then the phone rang and it was a telemarketer. Then came a knock at my door -- a kid selling magazines.
Customers sure mess up the store at Rich's. No wonder. In the linens area where I used to work there was a sign that said, "throw pillows." You're supposed to laugh. :*)
I was doing mark downs in toddlers. As I was doing the top rung of the fixture I commented to the ladies I was working with "That's too high for toddlers to reach." You're supposed to laugh. :*)
Rich's carries a line of towels in the Charter Club line called Hotel. What I wonder is, why would anyone buy a hotel towel when they can steal one?
In the 21st Century, with all the
incredible computers that can keep track of merchandise, why do we still get 10,000 of something we already have too many of?
I knew it was 2001 when my computer starting singing "Daisy" when I shut it off.
I think our Democracy aught to take a clue from Survivor. Every year we aught to vote someone OUT of Congress.
Move over Nascar. Here come the Sedgways!
I'm not going over the hill. I'm upgrading to 4.0.
On the way down to the beach, down in the Florida panhandle, I saw a sign pointing to a historic district. Curious, I turned of to go look. A tour guide named Bubba pointed to a house and said, "This mobile home was brought here in 1955. It was the first house in town. This over here, that doublewide. Half of it is original. The other half burned down when BillyBob mixed up some beer and gasoline and lit it. Those plastic flamingos in front of the house are authentic reproductions of 1970s era lawn ornaments."
The Real Reason The South Lost The Civil War
A staff
officer on a horse rode up to the general and said. "I have a message for
General Lee."
"General Lee, speaking," replied the general shouting to be heard over
the noise of battle.
"Generally speaking about what?" asked the staff officer.
"I am General Lee," replied the general.
"You are generally what?" asked the staff officer.
"I said, I am General Lee," shouted the general.
"And what. Finish the sentence," said the staff officer.
"I am the general!" shouted General Lee.
"Yes, I know you are a general. Can you tell me where I can find Lee?"
"I am Lee," At that moment another cannon went off.
"I see you are leaning against a tree. Can you tell me where to find the
general?"
"I am he, General Lee. I am..." shouted General Lee. At that moment
another cannon went off.
"Well, I am you, and you are me, and I'll just seek old Generally Lee,"
and at that the staff officer rode off.
I recently went to a hot air balloon festival. Many of the balloons there had fancy shapes. One of them looked like a big gold coin with a gondola hanging underneath it. It was a dabloon balloon. Another one looked like a clown. It was a buffoon balloon. And one had the shape of a monkey. It was a baboon balloon. One looked sort of like a duck, but it was blue. This was a blue loon balloon.
How long
was Moses on the ark?
Wait, you say, Moses wasn't on the ark, that was Noah.
True, but Moses was on an ark, the ark of the Covenant.
Now how long was he on it?
Most biblical scholars agree that there were at least two Isaiah’s, two
different prophets who wrote that book. Many say there could have been four or
more. Why did so many men get their writings lumped together under the name
Isaiah? Perhaps it was because of the commonly used expression, "And I zay unto
you."
One day God reached down from Heaven and started spinning Elijah around. Elijah
tried to grab hold of a tree to stop the spinning, but he couldn't reach it.
Elijah cried out, "God, why are you doing this to me?"
God replied, "I'm tired of all my efforts amounting to nothing. First Eve ate
the apple, then I had to flood the world, now my people won't listen to me. Just
once at least I say unto you I would like to turn a prophet."
My girlfriend has this plan to raise money by stripping. She has developed an act where she comes out wearing only a towel, then she removes it. Personally, I don't think she's going to be able to pull it off.
Back in the
days of the Soviet Union, a daughter brought her Russian boy friend home to meet
her father. At dinner, the boys table manners were atrocious. The father said.
"Your boyfriend is a real Slav."
The daughter said, "But Dad, I love him and want to marry him."
The Father sighed and said, "So vi et."
285
It is said that you can furnish your house by driving on 285 in Atlanta. You can find sofas and chairs. There is a traffic reporter who is always reporting the "ubiquitous ladder in the roadway." Some people say that a woman known as the ladder lady drops them. She is paid by the city. Her husband is the mattress man. I was plodding along in 285 traffic once and was astonished to see a latter. A few hours later after moving about 20 feet I saw its mate, a former.
I used to work at a small store called Richard's Variety. China fishbowls would come from China in boxes. They came packed with dirt. When I pulled them out I would dump twigs, pieces of dried leaves, and dirt onto the floor. So now, I can honestly say that I have set foot on Chinese soil.
If the city
of Destin expanded its metropolitan area so that it included the entire U.S.
Then we would have a Destin nation. Just imagine someone trying to buy an
airline ticket. "I want a ticket to Destin nation."
"O.K. Where do you want to go."
"I said Destin nation."
"I know you want to go to a destination, which city."
There is a
story in Georgia about a guy who ran a crematorium who decided to save money by
not burning the bodies. They found human remains all over the premises. I saw an
article about it in the Birmingham News so you might have heard about it. I was
burning to make up some jokes about it but all my efforts came up dead. Its an
old story now. I thought a dead issue, but I heard something about it on the
radio the other day. Suddenly the jokes came out like a ghost leaving the body.
A. The owner of the Tri-State Crematorium has a lot of skeletons in his closet.
B. His business boomed. People were frying to get in.
C. He had a shortage of working stiffs cause he only had a skeleton crew.
D. He had labor problems too. When he said, "Let's fire up the oven," no body listened.
My friend replied --- This kind of joke really burns my ash. Besides, it's an old story now; I really think it's a dead issue. If you want any laughs on this subject, you're going to have to urn them.
Me -- I don't think there is a ghost of a chance that I can shake any more humor from the cremation story. That's pretty old and rotten by now. I think people are burned out on it. Mummys the word and it is all wrapped up, and embalmed. I'll just have to bury it.
My Friend replied -- you're right - make no bones about it, that story has been pretty much fleshed out by now.
The mad scientist loaded his family in the time machine to go back to see dinosaurs. The kids kept asking, "Are we then yet?"
The "Murray (Kentucky) Ledger & Times," printed a story about a man who alluded police. Week after week, as the story moved further back in the paper this man continued to refer to police.
When I was studying journalism at Murray State I worked at the Newspaper in nearby Paris, Tennessee. I would drive from Kentucky into Tennessee and back each day. I was in what one radio station called Tuckessee. On the way to Paris I would pass a small town called Puryear. So I did a little time warp thing. I would pass through twice Puryear each day.
Special Deal Golden Halos
The Afterlife store has a sale on golden halos. 50% off. If you prefer silver, we have a deal on them, 30% off. And you can pick up one of our harps for a song.
But if you went to the other place, don't feel left out, cause we have special deals on air conditioners and ice machines.
"Close your eyes and I'll miss you, Tomorrow I'll kiss you,.."
"Leprosy, I'm not half the man 1 used to be,
there are pieces falling off of me. Oh how I hate this leprosy.
Why they have to go, I don't know, they just don't stay..."
"I Look at all the naked people"
"And when 1 ask me if l love me, OOH. I'm gonna say 1 love me too, OOH, OOH, Oh. And when I ask me to be mine ine, I'm gonna say 1 love me too..."
"1 once had a cat, or should 1 say, she once had me?.."
"1 think I'm gonna be sad. 1 think its a shame. The girl whose driving me mad won't get on the thing. She's gotta ticket to ride the roller coaster, but she's too scared!..."
Maybe one of these made you laugh.
Bye Bye
